I liked you infinitely

I felt a deep sadness on the train back home that particular rainy day. I was going back to my regular life which was fine before this weekend, but now nothing about it seemed right.  I wondered when I will see you again. I hoped you were wondering too...

But he, he had my number, he knew what I was about, a crazy mixture of guilt and pleasure. It was not because he didn't love me that screwed up the relationship.  It was because he did love me and couldn't stand to ever lose me, so the control in the relationship was pushing me away before he could get bored or upset with me.

It was never a " your heart and my heart are very old friends " kind of relationship. I was a volcano, he was a calm river, patient. He told me this kind of things like love take time and you have to be patient enough to wear down all the barriers.  He was the one that was slowly realizing that it didn't have to a be a destructive love-hate relationship for him to be loved and I was the one that needed passion and intensity which lead to drama.  In the end one of us chose glamour, danger and unhappiness and the other chose a happy safe ending in the arms of someone else.  It never scared him more than to come back home and watch stability right in the eyes, it is terrifying , because he never knew what to do with his life. 

All he knew was never to settle for second best just because it is attainable. He knew the way to love is through actions and not words because actions will always speak louder than words and can always express what love is better than any language can ever describe.

He felt that his life lately was a ride on and off along cerebral nightmares, trapped in a water well, fallen in a deep hole called reality, snapping out of it and than falling back again. Nothing came out of it, just despair, separation, distance from everyone and everything. He was himself a beautiful crazy mess that wished to change the world and convert the out of hope people into believers. 

I got off the train, I am back in my room. Outside the rain pulses down and I have a vague sense of disappointment. I feel drenched by the steady rain , can't move , standing still... For when time stops and distances disappear I will have my answers.

His actions were completely controlled, he can dictate who he is with...the more people he got himself involved with the more he didn't have to think about himself... going on and off with someone just because of a past bad scene, that's just the way he forgets...

I thought he is this very confident-together person but then it seems anyone that kind of stroked his vulnerability got trowed away in such away that they never want to come back to him and all he really felt was like coming home when not even realizing he was away..

The funny thing is that light and peace were waiting for him in the dark all along. He had to have his eyes wide open and connect. 

I liked you infinitely. I have been thinking about the lines we cross for the people we care about, for people like him. Like telling a lie or going too far no matter who else gets hurt. He was that important to me, enough to make me want to go beyond the lines to infinity. It is hard to always stay inside the lines but I did the best I could for him.  But somewhere along the way he forgot that if you really care about someone you need to pay attention to their lines also. Red flags on the window..we are betraying people, crossing the lines. 

I want to tell you that being a friend is all about drawing lines, but being human it is about knowing when and how to cross them together.

In the end I realized that everyday is a little better than the day before, walking forward never looking back anymore because the future is straight ahead and he was not in it. 

Snow Patrol - New York: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIlNguMTPXI